The One That Got Away

I realized something this morning. I wasn’t mature enough for marriage. Coming from a background of Borderline Personality Disorder, getting married before it was in remission was a disaster. I’m sure you are going to think that The Sadist is the one who got away, but no.

The one that got away is…me. I know said this on 1.0 that I am a different person in relationships than vs. single. I like myself when I’m on my own. The angst is kept to minimum. I was recently told that I don’t meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis anymore, but I’m also not in a relationship. I’m learning and growing and changing right now, but I still have a way to go. I don’t want a repeat of my marriage in the future. I have been gun shy about dating since my marriage ended because I know how destructive Hurricane Kitten can be. To myself and others. Until I’m transformed, it just going to be me and Girl Kitty.

This is today’s ear worm.

Feelin’ Some Type of Way

This is what greeted me this morning when I opened my astrology app. The app is called Co-Star and I recommend it. When I read it, I knew exactly what it was talking about.

It was about my marriage.

See, I knew from the beginning that, despite what he said, The Sadist didn’t truly love me. And man, is it brutal realizing that now. All along there were signs. And I ignored them all.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to go curl up under the blankets with Girl Kitty and cry bitterly.

Sometime Around Midnight

I don’t know what has possessed me to take a trip down memory lane, but here I am. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation making me wallow in regrets or that I’ve been off my meds for months. It started out that I was just looking for a specific post on version 1.0 cause for some reason I was thinking about it. Then I spent a week and a half reading the whole thing. It made me miss blogging, that’s why there is now 2.0. But from there it took on a life of its own. I found myself plundering through years of emails. And I can’t stop crying now.

To understand where I am now, we have to go back to the end of version 1.0.

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