I realized something this morning. I wasn’t mature enough for marriage. Coming from a background of Borderline Personality Disorder, getting married before it was in remission was a disaster. I’m sure you are going to think that The Sadist is the one who got away, but no.
The one that got away is…me. I know said this on 1.0 that I am a different person in relationships than vs. single. I like myself when I’m on my own. The angst is kept to minimum. I was recently told that I don’t meet the criteria for a BPD diagnosis anymore, but I’m also not in a relationship. I’m learning and growing and changing right now, but I still have a way to go. I don’t want a repeat of my marriage in the future. I have been gun shy about dating since my marriage ended because I know how destructive Hurricane Kitten can be. To myself and others. Until I’m transformed, it just going to be me and Girl Kitty.
I don’t know what has possessed me to take a trip down memory lane, but here I am. Maybe it’s the sleep deprivation making me wallow in regrets or that I’ve been off my meds for months. It started out that I was just looking for a specific post on version 1.0 cause for some reason I was thinking about it. Then I spent a week and a half reading the whole thing. It made me miss blogging, that’s why there is now 2.0. But from there it took on a life of its own. I found myself plundering through years of emails. And I can’t stop crying now.
To understand where I am now, we have to go back to the end of version 1.0.